Unreasonably Insensible Being

I've been kicked around

~ EELS

Well I’ve been kicked around
What do you see
Am I alright?
I’m alright

I once had a heart
I was ripped from it
Chewed up then spat out
Like a cherry pit

And if I seem a little hard

It’s just that I’ve been kicked around
I don’t know how I got this far
The way that I’ve been kicked around
Uh huh

Well I’ve been kicked around
What do you see
Am I alright?
Am I alright?

Well I’ve been kicked around
What do you see
Am I alright?
Am I alright?

I once had a soul
It was torn from me
I won’t cry a tear
I will carry me

And if I seem a little hard
It’s just that I’ve been kicked around
I don’t know how I got this far
The way that I’ve been kicked around

Don’t worry, I’m all right

So if I seem a little hard
It’s just that I’ve been kicked around
I don’t know how I got this far
The way that I’ve been kicked around
The way that I’ve been kicked around
The way that I’ve been kicked around
The way that I’ve been kicked around
The way that I’ve been kicked around
The way that I’ve been kicked around
The way that I’ve been kicked around

Topic: The Unbreakable Lightness of Being

devilzpagan
:::

Wow, another toughie. Yours truly is starting to wonder if she should panic. The previous topic set by *starry is a toughie but this one is *wow, toughie intellectual. But if you ask which is preferred, trust me, dear friends, anything over the sappy cutsy would always be preferred. *archly*

*wallflower, nice to have you back, even if its with such a toughie. Yours truly will try to do justice to the topic but dun have much expectations. *wink* Of cos, if *starry wants to have a go at this topic, please, feel free. *grin*

Be not Reasonable & Sensible

Any reasonable man would have swallowed his pride and admitted that he was wrong.

I was never a reasonable man.

~ Edward Bloom in Big Fish

Any sensible girl would want to be cuddly wuddly cute.

I was never a sensible girl.

~ Yours truly in My Life

Topic: Unreasonably Insensible

倔强

Yours truly really like this mandarin song from Mayday. If there's a theme song for every stage of one's life, if not for one's entire life, then, this is mine for this period of my life and I would like to believe, I can live like this for the rest of my life.

As for the blog game...yours truly have yet to figure out how to write in response to CUDDLY WUDDLY CUTENESS...so let's put the game on pause. If after a week, yours truly is still unable to reply to *starry's disgustingly sappy pic, then yours truly will provide a new topic. *wink*

:::

倔强

当 我和世界不一样 那就让我不一样
坚持对我来说 就是以刚克刚
我 如果对自己不行 如果对自己说谎
即使别人原谅 我也不能原谅

最美的愿望 一定最疯狂
我就是我自己的神 在我活的地方

我和我最后的倔强 握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望

我和我骄傲的倔强 我在风中大声的唱
这一次为自己疯狂 就这一次 我和我的倔强
(就这一次 让我大声唱啦啦啦...)

对 爱我的人别紧张 我的固执很善良
我的手越肮髒 眼神越是发光
你 不在乎我的过往 看到了我的翅膀
你说过被火烧过才能出现凤凰

逆风的方向 更适合飞翔
我不怕千万人阻挡 只怕自己投降

Cuddly Wuddly Cuteness *roll eyes*

I really don't understand how Friendship came to this? How did my blog degenerate to this fuzzy sappy disgustingly sweet picture?

Actually, I do know how.

*starry. *giving her a sinister & ominous look*

Topic: Cuddly Wuddly Cuteness? What the heck is that?

Blog blackout

*starry, my blog simply refused to show the pic of the forever friends teddy. How should we proceed?

:::

PS: *In gratitude to dear evilness for my blog blackout & some contriteness for *starry, here's a poem in lieu of the pic. (notice the *gallant knight?)

PPS: Can someone, anyone, please write some crap on friendship just so yours truly's blog is spared the indignity of some warm cuddly pic? You really don't wanna see how yours truly's going to insult a poor *innocent picture, do you? Or perhaps, you are indeed that bored?

Too bad, yours truly is feeling irritated and out-of-sorts today, so let's skip my ineptitude with links and computer language. *archly*

:::


Eldorado

~ Edgar Allan Poe.

Gaily bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of Eldorado.

But he grew old
This knight so bold
And o'er his heart a shadow
Fell as he found
No spot of ground
That looked like Eldorado.

And, as his strength
Failed him at length,
He met a pilgrim shadow"
Shadow," said he,
"Where can it be
This land of Eldorado?"

"Over the Mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,"
The shade replied
"If you seek for Eldorado!"

*be bold, dear friends.

there's betrayal and there's Betrayal

Me
You know all the bitching and bad-mouthing your ex-boyfriend you do with your very best friend upon a break up? The “He is the scum of the earth” and “jerk of the century”, etc, type of stuff? Yeah, I was looking forward to all that with my best friend to help me get over my stupid ex that just dumped me. And guess what, my very best friend and my very recent boyfriend got together. Heck. The world as I knew it ended. All I know is that it was not the same world I inhibited.

Her
You know the cliché sappy moment where you meet the perfect man? Your eyes met and you knew it was love? Well. It happened. But unfortunately, it happened so suddenly, so immediately to me and it’s with the guy who just happens to be my best friend’s boyfriend! I certainly didn’t expect it, nor did I want it. I didn’t even have time to avoid it. Damn! I mean, for heaven’s sake, he’s my dearest friend’s boyfriend! Somewhere someone up there must really hate me. That or, God must have a really warped sense of humor.

Him
You know how most guys dream about having two perfect women to choose from? Well, trust me, it is hell on yourself. There I was, with the most perfect girl I ever met, whom I believed I could spend the rest of my life with. And then, she introduced me to her best friend and I learnt that all I ever knew about love was just crap. It was not the best moment of my live. Seriously, it didn’t come as gentle realization or a thunderbolt from the sky. It went more like, “damn it, why me, why now”, what the heck am I going to do. I didn’t want to hurt either of them, but I probably will end up hurting both. I’m a total jerk.

tOpIc oF ThE mOmENt: fRIeNdShIp

Affirmation of Betrayal

Affirmation


*Oriental Damsel in Constant Distress

::::::::::::::::

Topic of the Moment: Betrayal

Beyond Self Worth

Call Me Beautiful

Don’t call me
Beautiful
Unless you truly
Believe
So

Don’t call me
Beautiful
Unless you truly
Think
So

Don’t pretend
To find me
Beautiful

I know
My own
Worth

I know
Whether
I am Beautiful

I need not
Your
Affirmation

So why
Then
Do
I still
Care

If you
Call me
Beautiful

Unless
You
Mean
More to
Me

Than
I believed
So.

Kel. 7 April 2005

:::

Topic: Affirmation

:::

I think self worth is really more impt perhaps than beauty in the eye s of everyone else. If a person is beautiful to everyone but oneself, he/she is likely to be a neutrotic with hang up over self image and insecurity.

Let's face it, we need to feel attractive to ourselves, although preferably, to everyone else as well. But if the push comes to a shove, I think it is more impt to feel beautiful. But beyond that, no one who is honest will say that other people's opinions don't count. If they say so, trust me, they're lying. Even the most self-confident soul, cannot be totally unconcerned abt the opinions of others, or at least, of others impt to him or her.

Anyone who says otherwise, yours truly congrats your sense of self worth and despise you for your self deception.

If you can't be even honest with yourself, who else can you be honest to?

Eye of Beholder

A page from the Secret Memoirs of Sleeping Beauty

I guess it is an irony for a maiden who slept for a 100 years to be now suffering from insomnia. Too many things were on my mind. I've just had a messy divorce with Prince *Charming as our two joined kingdoms have to be equitably divided. The peasants had formed new communities that we couldn't bear tearing apart. He told me that he was willing to do the dragon slaying bit (understood it was part of his job description) but didn't anticipate the three fairy Godmothers would be such horrible (*god) in laws. For one, they kept changing the colour of our furniture and always insisted on cooking for us (without the use of magic wands, so you can guess how bad their dinners turned out to be for three constantly arguing, magic dependent fairies!).

But really, as a political figure (he is a Prince) who will naturally get media attention, going around making promises to other women from other Kingdoms is not a good idea. Fairytale Tattler carried pictures of him with Snow White and Cinderella! In fact, he was caught licking Cinderella's glass slipper. The pervert!

At least one thing came out of this: my new born daughter. Don't worry about things though... she is my current joy and meaning for life (and my ex-husband is paying through his nose for alimony).

But a new problem came with her happy birth: my curse.

You see, when the Queen (my mother) accepted the fairy wishes bestowing the gift of immaculate beauty and exceptional song, we made the karmic system unbalanced. No mortal was to possess such unrivaled and unequal qualities and so my daughter has to now pay for my supposed good fortune.

However, my daughter is of royal blood hence the fates have decided that I instead should choose her punishment. They gave me two options:

Firstly, they could bestow upon her great beauty. All who gaze upon her shall be in awe with such spectacular form in a mere mortal. However, when daughter dear was to gaze at her reflection, visible to her would be a sight of great ugliness, disease and sorrow. And by the strike of fate's mighty powers, no one could reveal the truth of her beauty to her.

Upon the proclamation, I then shed tears and begged for her to be spared. I explained the emotional trauma of gazing at God's world made so beautiful only to see oneself as otherwise.

They offered me the other alternative: to give her the gift of self worth, if beauty be the source of judgment.

With the second alternative, she is to see the most beautiful self in her reflections. However, the true vision others see is the otherwise - of great ugliness, disease and sorrow.

I've consulted the fairy godmothers and everyone else I could for the matter to seek a counter spell like the one they found for me. Dear fates, be kinder on me and offer me a way out. If all fails, how is a mother to choose such unkind destinies for her child?

*Oriental Damsel in Constant Distress

.::.

next topic: self worth

Beauty from Secrecy

absolute
secrecy

even though
you
are
a
thing
of
beauty
I must hide you
well
from view

veiled
and shrouded
from the
disapproving
public eyes
and the
curious
friendly ones

I am sad
your beauty
will now have
to go
unappreciated
by all
but me

but don’t
you
be sad

one
day

like the

frond
of
the
fern

you
will
un-
furl

to reveal
your
whimsical
glory
in
all
its
splendor

until then

accept my
unworthy
admiration

and let these
swathes ofveil
conceal
you

for these
veils
of secrecy
and
mystique
this
enigmatic
masquerade

will
only
intensify
your
luminous
beauty

6th - 7th April 2005
devilzpagan

:::


Topic of the moment: Beauty

Indulging Meself

Dear all,

Yours truly is bored. And so, she has decided to try out a little game to entertain herself. Of course, it is for yours truly’s benefit. Did you really think you mattered in a cold hearted bitch wannabe's world view? *dryly*

Got you there, didn't I? *grin*

Anyway, here’s the rules, which are fairly simple. Whether this game will be continued or not, will of course, depend on yours truly’s whims & on whether anyone bothers to do such a frivolous thing as to participate in it.


Rules:

Yours truly will start out with a topic/a dialogue/a poem, etc, and end off with a topic for the moment. The next person, who is frivolous enough or sporting enough or really, no justification needed, who wants to participate, must reply to the topic. It can be in the form of continuation of the dialogue, a new dialogue on the topic, a thesis on the topic, prose, poetry, etc, anything. The only rule is that it must be based on the topic and after having done so, the person must end off with the next topic.

For example, if yours truly started off with death, the next person wrote a poem on death and ended on winter or the idea of winter or something to that effect, the next topic will be winter. (Re: Next person please spell out topic of the moment.)

If this game gets off the ground, (which yours truly have doubts it will but nevertheless…) we will modify the rules as we go along. If any topic proves too tedious to go on, yours truly will give it a grace period of 3 days and then abandon it in favor of a new one. If this game never gets off the ground, then this shall be the one and last topic of the moment and the blog shall self-destruct in 48 hours.

Sheer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Game commences.


In a faraway time, in a faraway land, there exists a village that has its basis on the power of names. Names were the means of the identity of the people living in this village. And because names were so powerful, it is paradoxically both kept a secret and a form of currency. This meant that everyone in the village was bonded by the same secret. If you wanted to make a purchase, you revealed your name to the vendor. The revealing of one’s name was a mark of a bona fide customer. The vendor would on the basis of the revealing of the name, sell the goods to the revealer.

But the rule is, the name so revealed must never be revealed by the vendor to anyone else during the year. At the end of each year, vendors would collect their debts by whispering the names they have collected to the village headman, who will deduct the amount owing from the account of the person whose name was called. After collection, each person starts anew with a fresh slate. No vendor was to remember the names of people whose accounts were already cleared.

The village thus, functioned on a basis of absolute trust and absolute secrecy. Such is the power of names. Such is the power of honesty. For being honest became a part of the village’s ways. One who dishonors himself by misrepresenting his name was held in absolute disdain….But is it really possible to hold the power obtained from the knowledge of names yet remained honest in a village where names were the form of currency….?

Topic of the moment: Absolute Secrecy

High Priestess to High Priestess

Deity *Starry

Evilness *sheer has decided to graciously accept thine congenial invitation to Temple Haach. Were it not that thy time is running out, thy evilness self would seek forasmuch to continue to express thy vast grace in accepting thine invitation. But alas, as the sand of the hour glass continues its relentless march, thy must bow down to necessity, the mother and guide of our actions, and come directly albeit less beautifully to the point. Thy will look forward to thee further directive for our wondrous worship at Temple Haach.

Till then, thy wishes thou all peace.

*Evilness Incarnated,

Me.

Gossip is an Art of Talking & Eating

Art of

The art of
Saying absolutely everything
By saying
Nothing

The art of
Eating
Yet
Speaking

The art of
Being so comfy
That
Everything flows

The art of
Being
So at ease
With

You.

Kel. 30 March 2005.

***
"Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative"
~ Oscar Wilde


I’m happy to say that weather didn’t even cross my mind tonight.

Yours truly just came back from a great buffet with *candid. I’m absolutely bloated. *yawn* Typically, going out for a buffet was our excuse, at least it was my excuse to skip class and have a great time gossiping. Gosh. The amount of gossips we covered. If we have a dollar for every 100 words or so, yours truly really think I’ll be rich right now.

What did we talk about? Hah. Won’t you like to know. *grin* But too bad, yours truly is too tired, too full and too satisfied at the moment to recount the succinct points, but rest assured, I remember! Great food did not dull my memory. *wink*

Consider yourself complimented, *candid. This is a momentous occasion, not likely to be repeated. But too bad, yours truly doubts *candid will ever get to read this blog. The mark of my evil self, compliments blogged never gets to the recipient. Wahaha.

Anyway, guess what, yours truly have another buffet lined up tomorrow.

Alas, tomorrow’s not likely to be even half (or barely quarter) as entertaining or fun as today’s.

The things we have to do for a free meal. *grimace*

:::

Survival of the fittest.

Such a simple concept. Such a useful one liner. But it does not remotely describe what it means in real terms.

The politics of yours truly’s work place has cooled down somewhat *sulk* but the manager that yours truly felt couldn’t make it has *resigned. This is in official terms. What it really means in real terms though, is that *Mr Stressed Up is no longer so stressed up because he’s now out of a job. The mark of ingenuity of my bosses lie in making it sound like 50-50 we part amicably aka he wanted to resign, we’re willing to let him leave. But it was probably 80-20 with the former being please leave.

Amazing, how civilized we are or aren’t we? *laconically*

So guess who’s saddled with more work? *archly*

Yours truly will decide whether to insult dear evilness after I have had time to ponder and decide whether the additional work improves my situation at work. Cold hearted bitch wannabe that I am, yours truly doubt you expected anything else from me, certainly not sympathy for *Mr Stressed Up.

Or did you?

I thought not.

How positively intelligent of you. *deadpan*

Virtues of Tyranny

As long as I have you there is just one other thing I'll always need - tremendous self control.

~ Ashleigh Brilliant


I resisted.

It was so damn difficult but I did.

I managed to control my urge to insult or more to the point, to scream at my *underlings.

Yours truly knows she is officially overall in charge, but each project has its own head in charge. So why are all and everyone asking me? Yours truly is only supposed to coordinate, not made all the goddamn decisions. Pardon my language.

Ok. Now that my blistering has been vented (at least I waited till I got home).

Yours truly wonders if she should establish a more tyrannical management style. She is attempting the consensus way, but really, if attempting to reach a consensus only equated wasting time and worse, eventually I still had to make the decisions, then why bother with the discussion in the first place?

Perhaps yours truly should just command and decreed. *archly*

Anyway, the *R2005 is turning out to be more tedious than expected. My *underlings appears fairly competent if not enthusiastic, but yours truly has just discovered that they are not the decision maker type. There is one that yours truly thought should be fine but who is turning out to be an enthu airhead. All ideas and no practicality. *grimace*

Why me? *laconically*

Yours truly has made no secrets of my desire for authority and responsibility, but even I draws the line at outright tyranny. But I must admit, I was tempted today. Almost felt like trampling over people today.

To fair, probably it was because yours truly had tons of work to do, so I had a lot on my mind.

But truly, I seem to be making too many and too much of the decisions in *R2005. I wonder if that is wise.

Let’s just hope no one in *R2005 stumbles over my blog or there might be hell to pay.

Or not.

:::

Today’s *starry’s birthday. Evil me has *kindly turned down her invitation to dinner so that she might go out with someone more important. (Note: yours truly means someone more important, not more interesting.) *wink*

Yours truly is considering whether to apologize since my reason for turning down, aka Tax Class is no longer valid. I felt mentally exhausted and physically lazy, so I skipped class and came home and is currently blogging this piece of junk.

But upon serious consideration of 3s (yes, yours truly can accomplish a lot in 3s. Sue me. *archly*), yours truly has decided against it.

In fact, instead of apologizing to *starry, yours truly is demanding gratitude instead. After all, if I didn’t turn *starry down, she would not be spending the night (get your mind out of the gutter, please!) with her *you. So perhaps, dear *starry, you owe me a thank you.

But it’s ok.

Yours truly have magnanimously decided to forgive your grievous oversight in view of today being your *special day.

How possibly nice of me.

And how unnatural.

I think I better go take my medicine.

:::

On a side note, *erratic is once again the victim of rumors and backstabbers.

My advice to *erratic -

Live and let live

Or

Get even.

Preferably, the latter.

Seriously though, detractors of *erratic if you guys are reading this blog, there really are better ways of *destroying someone. If you really felt you need to vent your petty jealousy, please at least do it more intelligently. And more importantly, if you want to backstab someone, at the very least, please do it more professionally? Yours truly dislike backstabbers. But I dislikes amateur backstabbers that are so obvious even more.

Subtly is a virtue

Please.

Go practice.

Or turn good.

Preferably the former, but realistically, are you sure you guys are up to it?

I think not.

:::

Backstabbing and rumor spreading is an art.

Artisans never get found out.

Attraction

"Why is it that I'm not willing to settle for a Sheep like the rest of my friends? Sheep sex aside, what's wrong with a man who puts family first, who maintains a steady job, has college funds set up for his kids and builds that nest egg for his retirement? Member of the herd, never straying, solid, dependable Sheep Guy. Why can't I love Sheep Guy? For me, it's all those wolves. They distract me from the sheep. Wolf Guy. Always on the prowl. Totally alpha. Not interested in being domesticated. So what is it about these men tat makes my heart speed up in a way no sheep ever has or ever well".

"The Big Bad Wolf Tells All" ~ Doona Kauffman.


Yours truly is a sucker for guys with earrings…at least I think I am since I watched Howl’s Moving Castle. OMG, the lead guy Hauru (otherwise known as Howl) looks damn good with dangling earrings! *grin* (As a side point, bet you didn’t know his voiceover was Kimura Takuya? Yes?)

I know, I know, most people will point out that Howl is an image, an animation and is therefore, not real. But still, he is one good looking chap. *gush*

Btw, I met a good looking guy today. Yours truly had to go hotel visiting today for my company’s AD&D and there’s this guy (think he’s the assistant manager or new trainee) who I met together with the manager of this hotel. Typically, said guy was in a suit. If you didn’t know, yours truly has a soft spot for guys in suits. (Note: guys that looks good in suits and not ill-fitting like how most Singaporean guys look. Trust me on this, when I was aboard, the guys all owned their own suits and the suits fitted them so well. Unlike local guys who tended to rent their suits for their bash & stuff. Yikes.)

PS: Did I mention that I didn’t really dare look at him too much? Me! Cold hearted bitch that I am. Wow. I’m surprised. *grin*

Aren’t you?

Laugh.

Should I be ashamed?

Nah. Yours truly’s just having a short phrase of behaving like every other girl. *wink*

At least, this shows yours truly isn’t that lacking in feminine genes as she thought she was. *stick tongue out* But alas, can't claim that my heart flutter or heartbeat quicker. *sulk*

Oh well. That's norm for a alpha bitch wannabe like me.

Won't you agree?

Wink.

Pot calling kettle black

The Kettle that Saved the Pot

The pot calling the kettle black
How dare you
When you are so black yourself

The pot called the kettle black
How could you
When you are black as well

The pot calling the kettle black
Why did the pot
See only the blackness of the kettle

The pot called the kettle black
Why did the pot
See not the black of itself

The kettle was called black
By the pot
Who was black

The kettle was called black
So black
That the pot
Saw not it’s own blackness

The kettle was black
So black
That it saved the pot
From seeing it’s black

Reflected back from the kettle.

Kel. 28 February 2005.

:::

This is horrifying. Yours truly has barely worked ½ a year and it shows! *Snappish has oh-so-politely informed yours truly that she has become more *demanding in customer service. (Subtext: you are more aggressive).

Oh dear. I wasn’t even aware of the change. *shake head*. Ok ok, fine. I admit that I am even more confident than previously, (and the Devil knows I was already egoistic enough to begin with before I started work). Also, I am even aware that I have gotten to the stage where I can’t even call myself a semi-hermit and not be stared at by true honest to goodness hermits. Yes, yours truly has become *sociable. *grimace*. My problem is, I still don’t like socializing and I would still like to be classified anti-social and hermit. But alas! Change comes to all of us. Yes. That means all my clique or the ones I’m closer to have changed.

Yes, *dear snappish, before the pot calls the kettle black, *50 miles laugh 100 miles (think the mandarin idiom), reflect on thyself. Here’s yours truly report on how my close clique has changed since we started work.

In other words, don’t deceive yourself, work leaves its mark on us. *nod ominously*

***

*Snappish has become more deep. And unlike my usual bitchy mean self, I don’t even mean to imply that she was depthless previously. Although, if you want to imply that, please, go ahead. (*snappish, you're welcome to skewer the readers, just not the writer. *wink*) Yours truly genuinely mean that she has become more layered. Knowledge, especially secretive ones!, shows in some ways, not that it’s obvious except to her *close friends, I would think. But it is there. *in a dark forbidding tone*

*Eccentric has become more stable. Again, I don’t mean to imply she was unstable (as in loose screws in the head, although this is debatable) but that she has become more assured, more able to take things in her stride. Previously, she is more panicky but now she has gotten used to the interviews, making phone calls, research, etc. She just seems more stably assured. What some stuff I can do and take for granted, she now can too. (yes, yours truly's ego is at work. She seriously debated the point with male and female brain on the virtue of being humble, which she assures you, she doesn't have a single bone that can lay claim to this oh-so-admired virtue. *snort* Like I would want any of my bone to be humble. Yikes. Sounds revolting, actually. Why would anyone want a humble bone? If want, also must demand for a skeleton worth. *nod vigorously*) As an aside, *eccentric knows more industry gossip/news & she is the one in the environment most like school days. Other than some minute changes, she gives me the feeling that she is still as she was in school days.

*Private has become more well-connected. Networking, or rather getting along with pple has never been hard for her. But ever since she started work, it has become more obvious. Besides, *private has inherent advantage - poker face - and she gives pple a very studious/capable impression, which she is of course. (I won’t dare hint otherwise, given that *private is the one with a sharp knife like wits…we used to call her our mean club *president….)

*Peace is now very secured in her professional abilities. We always knew she was able and capable in her field. But now, she exhibits that very *attractive quality of confidence as a therapist. The-I-know-I-am-doing and I’m damn good at it. So there. I like. *grin*

*Doormat sounds more secured and collected. In some sense, more matured. I suppose she has now grown into her role as a sensei.

*Witchy is now more subdued….she claims she has lost her sense of humor. I hope she finds it soon. Work seems to have a more melancholic impact on her. In some ways, it seems depressing to her spirits. Or perhaps, it just me. *shrug*

End of report.

:::

Change

We have changed

For the better

Or for the worse

We have changed

In small ways

And In big

We have changed

Matured rightly

Or inverted maturity

We have changed

Perhaps too much

Perhaps not enough

We have changed

So much

That it shows

We have changed

So little

That we remain

Always friends

Hopefully.

Kel. 28 February 2005.

To the adolescence that never was

I.
You think you are in control
You are in control
At least
I would like you to think so

You believe you are in control
You are in control
At least
I allow you to think so.

II.
You think you are in control
But are you really
In control

Or are you trapped by
My plans

Are you outmaneuvered
By me?

III.
You think you are in control
You are in control
At least
I would like you to be

But are you really
Or am I?

IV.
You are in control
In my control

I am in control

But

Am I in yours?
Would I want be?
Would you want me to be

Would you?

Kel. 21 February 2005.

***

Guess who’s just been acting like giggly high school girls gossiping over the telephone?

Me. *ashamed and head droopping*

And there yours truly thought she outgrown such stuff…wait a minute, yours truly hasn’t even indulge in such stuff when she was in high school. Fact is, yours truly jumped straight over the adolescent years. *perfectly earnest*

Shake head at *starry.

Tsk tsk. Shame on you. How could you relate such gossipy stuff and such juicy tidbits, just to coerce yours truly back to the adolescent years?

But yours truly am proud to report that she was not the most *giggly high one. And nope, there's no prize for guessing who was.

Tut tut *starry.

How could you?

Grin.

:::

PS: *Wallflower, it took *starry that long to gather up courage (?!!) just to ask yours truly for your blog addy, which she lost when her com crashed. Gosh. I didn’t know you were so frightening. *grin*

PPS: *Starry, may you & the *lead guy of our conversation flourish nicely…since when was yours truly so nice, you may wonder. The answer is: so that I can have more gossip to hear, of course. It’s always nice to hear juicy tidbits, even maudlin ones. Beggars can’t be choosers, you know and interesting gossip has been in scarce supply since *witchy lost her sense of humor. Poor gal. Pat on the head. *impertinent grin*

Unrepentantly Evil

Me

I am like that
I am born like that

I like being like that
I like being me

Even if you do not
Agree

Even if you do not
Appreciate

I want to continue
Like that

I am like that
I am born like that

I am

Me.

Kel. 17 February 2005.

:::

I’m evil.

A colleague has just resigned and I’m already plotting on how to best take over her portfolio.

And I am gleefully happy.

But really,

I could have been much much worse.

You have no idea how much more

You won't want to know.

Trust me.

Ungracious Bratty Me

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable.

~ Madeleine L'Engle

Now yours truly knows what’s worse than being forced to hide in one’s room from relatives – having one’s brother’s army boys invade the house. *sheesh* Imagine nine (at least I counted at least 9) guys camp around the house, especially since they set up a table directly outside yours truly’s door. Did I mention that my bedroom faces the dinning room as well? No? Well. Now you know. And yours truly have found out what is worse than having army boys (and yes, I do mean army boys) is having to hide out two days in a row. Since yours truly’s brother had first his army *underlings over and than had his clique over the following day. And yes, they set up table outside yours truly’s room again, although this time they played monopoly instead of blackjack, the bad news is, they stayed even later than the army underlings. *sulk*

As an aside, the strange thing about brother's clique, whom I do know, although this time they came entourage with their respectively gfs, is that they all looked alike. Gosh. Imagine that. They dressed in similar styles and looked alike. *sheesh* Even the gfs looked similar to me. I hope this is not a hint that all close friends look alike especially when they have mellowed. Look at my bro's clique. *yikes* They have all fallen in a one way track to middle age, typical Singaporeans, ready to settle down with a HDB flat and 2.5 kids..opps, now it's probably 3 since the govt is campaigning for pple to have more kids. And they are barely in mid-20s!

Put it in the right perspective, the relatives weren’t so bad after all. At least they didn’t camp outside my door. *grimace*. Come to think of it, the relatives weren’t so bad this year, yours truly didn’t have to fend off any intrusive questions about her job or her martial prospects. Hmmm….either they have given up yours truly as a spinster or they have grown sensitive in the…months we have not seen each other. Probably the former. Possibly they have decided yours truly is not worth the effort to ask about or there are more interesting scandals around this year. I seriously doubt it’s cos they have grown more tactful. Relatives are known for their less-than-polite ways of intruding, (I have no idea what gave them the right or so they believe to ask personal questions about a relative aka me’s life when they barely even know anything about me. *scowl*) but at least this year, dear evilness must be happy with me to spare me the “are you attached? Do you have a boyfriend…blah blah blah”. The usual gossipy questions from the archetypical aunties.

At the very least, I presume I had a much easier CNY than *wallflower if her blogs were anything to go by. Btw *wallflower, let me know if relatives are sue-able…although I doubt you’ll be able to prove anything on them. How does one prove that one’s aunt’s third cousin’s brother’s wife’s cousin’s wife…., molested one during the oh-so-fun-and-we-have-the-right-to-intrude-and-gossip festival once in a year?

The answer -

No way.

***

Have you ever felt the urge to drop everything and just go out and do something wildly stupid or unimaginable? *sigh* Wonder what the hell are you doing on here? I know. I’m bored and feeling at odds. *grimace*

I know I know. This does not sound like yours truly. I mean I’ve always been driven towards acquiring responsibilities and authority. *sigh* But to be honest, one in a very very blue moon, yours truly can’t help but what the heck am I doing?

I think I’m a bit down or rather I had been or was for the past few days. Typically, it’s always when I’m over it that I can mention it to anyone else. In case you’re wondering, blogging counts as telling someone since I know a few friends who keep up with my crap. *grimace*

I think the constant badgering by yours truly’s mom on low pay is getting to me. Even though her badgering isn’t serious but she does bring it up every now and then. Feels like mental pressure. Imagine a hole and over a long period of time, someone throws a tiny bit of soil into it. Eventually it will fill up and overflow. *sulk*. Of course, there is still the stupid *R2005 that I have to take on. The full year events. *groan* The “I must attend everything and be sporting” feel. *groan more*. Did I mention that I skipped the office CNY buffet on Friday and the CEO just had to ask where I was? *roll eyes* Sometimes, it feels like yours truly is living in a fishbowl.

I am just in the mood to be hermit-ish and camp at home. Do nothing. Take leave. Be irresponsible and bratty. *sigh*

I know. I’m go back to the *mature ambitious cold hearted adult that I am tomorrow. But for today, I just wanna sulk.

Humor me.

Join me.

Continuing Saga of Sheer Shock

Too Proud

Yes, I know I am proud
But am I too proud for you?

Who are you to say so
You with your nose in the air?

Yes, I know I am proud
But am I too proud for you?

Who are you to say so
You who don’t even dare admit
You love me?

Yes, I know I am proud
But am I too proud for you?

Who are you to say so
You with yours eyes above mere mortals
Yet not dare look into mine?

Yes, I know I am proud
But am I really too proud for you?

Who are you to say so
You, who is so proud

Too proud to hold
Too proud to love
Too proud

For me.


Kel. 2 February 2005.

***

Today the announcement was made to Company of the committee layout of *R2005. Typically, before Friday - yours truly has plotted & hoped that the broadcast would be made when I’m on leave but alas! – anyway, so yours truly didn’t manage to avoid all the *back slapping, congratulations, envious looks, snide remarks, etc, etc.

Worse, *big director came out and congrat yours truly and then mentions that it’s a test, the CEO wants to *test my mettle. In other words, she expresses that it’s a CONSPIRACY! Yours truly pointed out it was a voting/nomination at the meeting, but she said the management had to concurred. In other words, it is the management behind our appointment. Great. Just great. *makes sweeping big gesture.

First, it was a sheer shock to yours truly, and merely somewhat chore-ish. And now *big boss has to put on the pressure. As if yours truly don’t have enough on my plate right now. *sheesh.

I know, dear evilness must really love me. *laconic *

Ok. Ranting aside, yours truly must now *prove herself and come up with a broad plan of activities for the year ahead to fulfill notions of “One for All & All for One”. *grimace*

Apparently, *everyone is looking to see how yours truly will shoulder the position of chairperson and to see how dynamic or lack thereof. Anyone wants to volunteer to help? *archly*

And to make matters worse, there had been some high profile dynamic chairpersons in the past few years & this is Company’s 20th Anniversary. *stomp feets*

This is it. Someone up there (probably in white!) hates me.

Am I making too big a fuss?

Worse, attributing too much unwarranted attention to me-self?

I think…

Not.

Sigh.

Blog That Has Self-Destructed

Dear frens,

The blog has self-destructed. Even though yours truly hate people to not do what they say, I have to confessed that the blog self-destructed not within 24 hours but 48 hours. But I plead mitgating circumstances, aka *snappish wants to read. Thus, yours truly delayed the destruction for 24 hours out of *friendship (read: *snappish snapping and holding a knife at me).

As an aside, *snappish, if you still didn't manage to read the blog but still keen to, drop me a line (*no throwing of knives or any other weapons, pls!).

Your evilness,
Me.

In sheer shock

(Please note, all contents of this blog has been censored/changed to protect the identities of the individuals & more importantly, that of yours truly’s butt. If you happen to recognise anyone or worse, happen to recognise the Company or worser still, is part of *R 2005, please do yours truly & yourself a favor, forget you ever saw this blog.)

At a 1st *R meeting of XXX Company:

*Highest Ranking J: We are going to revamp the *R . (goes on to explain roles & heavy responsibilities of all the committee, led and coordinated by the Chairperson). I may be old but I’m not autocratic. Instead of having nomination like previously, we shall have volunteers. So if any one has a desire to be the Chairperson, voice out.

(looks ard. Everyone in complete silence)

I mean, everyone is so enthusiastic about forming the committee (earlier on, everyone was asked their gut feelings on joining the committee), isn’t there any one who feels in his/her heart that he/she wants to be the chairperson? It doesn’t matter if one is an assistant or a manager or a director.

I mean for instance, *sheer here is so prepared by her directors to join the club. That’s very good.

(looks ard)

(stares right at *sheer but yours truly withstood his stares and assumed that he’s doing that to everyone in the room. I mean he doesn’t know me. So why would he put the silent pressure solely on me, right? Wrong! *roll eyes at myself*)

Well, I won’t name any names because that would be biased. Although, indirectly, I suppose I am hinting? *laughter from the room*

Okay, if no one speaks, I’ll ask the outgoing committee head, *J to elect. I mean, *J here is laughing so happily, I sure he already know who he wants in mind. So if you guys have no objection. *pause for answer*.

(Everyone agrees)

Ok, *J go ahead.

(At this point, yours truly thought she was safe, after all, she is the most junior in the whole room, and she does not even know any one. How could she possbily be dragged in by any one, let alone the Chairman she doesn't know? Besides, how could anyone possibly imagine a greenbie can lead the committee, being so new to the Company and promote inter-dept bonding when she knows no one in other departments?)

*J leads forward, looks right at *sheer and said: I’m sorry, what is your name?

*Sheer looks ard in confusion before replying: You mean me? My name? (*J nods) Oh….*@@@.

*J replies: I vote *@@@ as chairperson.

*Highest Ranking J smiles: Can I ask why did you pick *@@@?

*J replies……(yours truly is egoistic, but even then, it still would not do to repeat flattery. nodding earnestly)

*Highest Ranking J: Ok. I wouldn’t vote cos it wouldn’t be fair, but does anyone second the nomination?

(Immediately, the exiting committee members present seconded the nomination. New members follow with applause)

*Highest Ranking J asks *sheer if she was willing.

:::

Tell me, my dear friends, under that circumstances, do you ever think yours truly could say no?

pause.

Precisely, so now yours truly is saddled with the highest ranking post of the whole Committee for the welfare and benefit of the entire Company for the entire year. *grimace*. And before any one snickers, and say something like yours truly should have expected it, please allow me to tell you, yours truly is still in shock. How the heck did this happen?

It’s not as if I knew the people in the committee, since we are each “nominated” or rather, *coerced by our bosses in each departments. (yours truly tried to hint and once outright mentioned that she is not that keen and that *bubbly is more interested and enthusiastic, but guess what? Yours truly still had to attend the *R meeting, which pretty much tells you the outcome of her hints….maybe I was too subtle? *scowl*) Some of them knew each other, but yours truly is so new in the Company that I practically only know the people in my department and no one beyond the department. Moreover, it is not as if anyone in the room knows anything about my capabilities or lack thereof? So how did this happen? *in bewilderment*.

It must be a conspiracy. I tell you. *in a paranoid tone* They are really out to get me. *dryly*

Anyway, so the course is set. *deadpan*

I mentioned in reply to *snappish’s grumbles/anxiety on having to make a presentation tml that it can’t be worse than yours truly who is the newly *elected Chairperson, and have to host/organize meetings for the entire year.

*snappish predictably being one of my pals, was completely unsympathetic. She was AMUSED! D***. At times like this, dear evilness, I wished I believed in a more sympathetic being. *makes a face*

Ok. Now, just for laugh, here is a sample of my *acceptance speech, made in the way I assume Chairperson usually makes. Please just stop reading if you’re bored, since yours truly just wants to express her shock in many many words.

:::

To the Committee following yours truly’s *nomination & what she probably meant:


Dear Colleagues,

Thank you for taking time to attend the 1st *R Meeting of 2005, and for your willingness and enthusiasm in forming the new *R . (I believe most people were at least merely nonchalant, which is not that bad a start. What is amazing is that some people, not many, mind you, were actually really enthusiastic. *whistles.) I am not certain how and why I got the heavy responsibility of the Chairperson but since I am undertaking the position, I promise to do my best. (whymewhymewhyme? How did this happen?) With everyone’s effort, support and team work, I am certain we can have a successful year for *R ahead of us. (for evilness’ sake, please do more so I can do less)

On behalf of the new committee, I would like to express our gratitude to the exiting members of 2004 *R . (even though yours truly is wondering whether it is worth her while to attempt to knock out *J, the previous chairperson….even though he did apologize nicely for “sabotaging” me. What I don’t understand is why. Maybe I should just attempt murder & plead “ in the fit of the moment”?) We would try to follow in their lead, and hopefully, we can perform as well, if not better in the year ahead.

Warmest regards,
*@@@@
Chairperson

:::

Anyway, above is a shortened version of my acceptance speech. I know I know, too simple and maybe it should have been either more humble in the I need all your guidance air or more arrogant in the I am the best air, but yours truly is still in bemused state and this is all I could do on short notice. I think my grand announcement to the Company and the CEO is even briefer & simpler than this. *sigh*

On a positive note, *J is not too bad looking (I think *witchy would like him), my room is now nicely painted a lavender color and yours truly is going out tomorrow night. *shrug*

Still, what a surprisingly unexpected beginning to the year. Imagine the year ahead. *arched brows*.

Guilty

"IF that we thus are guilty doth appear,

Ah, guilty tho’ we are, grave judges, hear!"

~ Arthur Hugh Clough1819 - 1861

Dear *Frens,

Alright, yours truly have to plead guilty as charged. Yes, I’m an extremely infrequent blogger .Yes, I rarely blog & even then, it’s only to express yours truly bigoted opinions on a certain subject matter, and very rarely to update on my life or merely to rant.

In my defense, not that yours truly is denying her guilt here, mind you, but I actually believe that (a) no one really reads my blog regularly (b) it doesn’t matter to anyone that I blog infrequently (c) I actually believe that those who do occasionally come to my blog won’t want to read about the mundane banal parts of my life. Alas, apparently, I thought wrong.

*Wallflower who came to my place on yesterday (and bought me a nice shell necklace from Ziwiland) actually complained that I blogged so irregularly! Oh my evilness, please believe that egoistic as me, I never imagine anyone and I really mean anyone would want me to blog more regularly, even if merely to rant. Truth to tell, yours truly leads a dull and boring life. Oh fine, stop rolling your eyes. I suppose to give myself some credit, my life isn’t all that bad, but, I really won’t want to bore you to tears. But being currently in a mellow mood, aka, trying to avoid doing my homework - Dear Evilness, I know I’ve been good lately, but did you really have to punish me with so dreary a subject like Taxation? *someone anyone, HELP me* - and so, I decided to be “nice” and blog.

Maybe I should make it a point to blog more often…nah….I mean there isn’t really anything much going on in my life worth reading about, in other words, what you have just read was pure crap. And if anyone, the rare rare ones, that actually read my blog, please, blame *Wallflower if you have to undergo many tedious boring blogs. It’s all her fault.

Ok, now I’m attempting to humor *Wallflower by attempting to rant…even though I know I suck big time. *grimace* Isn’t that pathetic? I can’t even rant properly….and there I am convinced that ranting is an inborn female trait. What am I? A sheep? *deadpan*

Ok. Take a deep breath. *dun snicker!* I’m attempting to rant here.

First of all, yours truly is taking a stupid stupidly dull subject, Taxations. Hell, can you think of anything more excruciatingly painful to study? Worse, the lecturer might as well speak Greek for all I can understand during class. *sigh*. And if having to do homework which yours truly don’t understand the heads or tails off isn’t bad enough, yours truly had to meet a bitch today.

Pure Evilness did you have to do this to me?

Yours truly was damningly excited about this boutique apartment for rental, not that yours truly have any cash to rent it or any real plans to move out, but still, I wanted to go have a look at this fully furnished Soho apartment so I called on Friday & made an appointment for today. And that stupid *owner who told me to come, forgot all about it. Worse, she had the gall to blame me for not calling to confirm the appointment, and that she have so many schedules & appointment, I should have known better. @&#*@&!^ I mean, she forgot and it’s my fault? WTF?!

:::

Ok…end of pathetic attempt at ranting…if this is too sucky an attempt, shrug. At least its merely a blog & you can stop reading. That’s not so bad compared to someone who won’t stop talking…and trust me…one of my workmates is horrifying in that way. Yep. Nod head. Horrifying…its amazing how KPO she can be and how she can go on and on and on…and even though *Wallflower says it is possible to find boring people fascinating for their boredness…and wondering why they are so boring, yours truly do not believe. Some people are just boring. Period. Full stop. As *eccentric said, some guys deserves to be looked down upon, they are that boring. I know, I am quoting out of context, but that’s more or less the gist. *grin*

Right, must stop before yours truly get carried away, but I’ll attempt to write about this *amusing meeting I attended which was oh-my-evilness, conducted in pure pure Hokkien! And hopefully, a caricature of the people I will be forced to work with in the new rec club yours truly is coerced (even thought they call it nominated *blanch*) into joining, and if you don’t see anything on the club, that means it’s that bad that it’s not even worth my pathetic attempt to rant about.

Me.

Assertion of Rights

I am me

I am me
A woman in my own right

I am me
Independent from you

I am me
Not a part of you

I am me
I belong to me

Not to you
Not even if you think so

I am me
A woman

My own woman
I am me.

Kel. 10 Jan 2005

:::

Pushover

Just because I am undemanding
Doesn’t mean I am a pushover
It doesn’t mean
I will let you push me over

I might be undemanding
But I am not a pushover
It doesn’t mean
You can push me over

Just because I care for you
Doesn’t mean you can take for granted
It doesn’t mean
I am a pushover

Just because I care for you
But I am not a pushover
I won’t allow you to push me over
Just because I care

Please remember when you try
To push me over
Please remember when you attempt
To take control

Please remember that
I am no pushover

I may allow you
To push me over
But bear in mind that
I am no pushover

Cross not my limits
Or you will find
I will be no one’s pushover
Certainly not yours.

Kel. 10 January 2005

:::

I belong to me

My heart belongs only to me
I belong only to myself

I love you
I know you love me

So why can’t you understand
Love does not confine
Love does not possess
Love does not make me yours

I belong only to me

Our love is wonderful
But you are still you
And I am still me

We are together
But our hearts belong only to ourselves

You belong to you
I belong to me
As it should be

But that does not mean that
I love you not
I treasure you not
I need you not

Why can’t you understand?

Kel. 10 August 2004.