My Mr Green

Unwelcome Visitor

I got a visit from Mr Green Eye Monster
Who was amazingly rude
He came without knocking
And stabbed me without thinking.

Ouch.

I got a visit from Mr Green Eye Monster
A visitor I could have gone without
He came creeping up wither
And stayed on within

Sulk.

I got a visit from Mr Green Eye Monster
Someone you'll really rather not see
He came in without a by your leave
And simply refused to leave me

Damn.

I got a visit from Mr Green Eye Monster
Who really insisted on staying
But I stomped my boots refusing
And jumped on him till he give in

Yes.

And so ended my visit from Mr Green
Who really left without much grin
But delicately I must apologize
Cos no more Mr Greens will be allowed to visit.

Kel. 27 October 2004.


Yours truly always thought that jealousy was bad and envy is just slightly better. And yours truly really dislike the jealousy between friends. Did I say friends? I meant female close friends. Ironically, female friends tend to have more internal envy and yours truly could have sworn that I won’t be so. That my friends are unique and we do not become jealous of each other. But yours truly was bitten by the green eye monster today. *gasp* One of my closest friend, *snappish finally found a job & at an outrageously high salary. Yours truly here is ashamed to say, I was bitten by Mr Green (while being deliriously happy for *snappish) for er…all of 15 minutes. Yes, yes, I am repenting right now. Even though it was only 15 minutes and even though I can honestly say I am ecstatically happy for her. Genuinely delighted, but a small part of my brain was envious. *sigh* Yours truly is so ashamed of herself. *heads drooping*

*apologies to *snappish for the 15 minutes of envy* (although some would say it is ego boosting that you have something that others envy. Yes? So maybe *snappish should thank me instead? *grin*)

Anyway, in my defense, I did lift myself from the envy immediately and yes, it only took me all of 15 minutes to go from envy to being completely happy for *snappish. What can I say? I’m human and female after all. *archly* And before you point out, I have already apologized for the 15 minutes. And I am duly reprimanded for not feeling a disinterested joy from the start like some of my other friends like *eccentric would. *sigh* As the sage would say, Yours truly needs to cultivate herself more. *grimace*

But anyway, despite being ashamed at myself, I must point out that nowhere in the 15 minutes of my envy or jealousy, was I ever begrudging of my friend’s good fortunate or even remotely catty/bitchy about it. It was more like a “damn, I wish I applied for said job too” but never have I felt that *snappish doesn’t deserve it or that I deserve it more. Am I sounding defensive here? I assure you, I don’t mean to be. And I am glad, really glad to know, that I am broad-minded/large-hearted enough to feel joy for my friends without a serious case of inferiority or bitchiness. Thank you very much. *deadpan*

I mean one can always imagine that one is broad-minded – but unless you belong to an unreflective group of people, which I assure you, a large majority of people are – but one never know like yours truly until today, until having been tested, that one really is. Don’t snort. I'm serious. Dun look down at this little test of friendship & character.

I mean, be honest, in yours truly's place, could you have been happy for your friend without even a tinge of envy?

Most of all, would you even have own up to the visit of the green eye monster?

I did.

But would you?

You can lie to the world, but please, do not lie to yourself.

Would you have been so honest?

I rest my case.

A Declaration

So Much More

You think you do
But you don't
You don't know me

I can be so much more
I am so much more

More than you think
More than you know
More than you appreciate

You think you know
But you don't
You really don't

I can be more than you know
I am more than you care

I am so much more
So much more you don't see
So much more than

Merely your trophy
Seen but not heard

I am so much more
So much more than you know
So much more than

You.

Kel. 7 Oct 2004

Ok. I just got mentioned in a sentimental sweet way in *starry’s blog & seriously, it just would not do. It gives the impression that yours truly here is sweet, mellow & most horribly, nice. Yikes. So dear *starry, please stand reprimanded. It simply won’t do. *stomp feet*. It is alright, for instance, to insult yours truly, (who can give as good as anyone else) or to imply or explicitly say bad things about yours truly here, after all, bad is good. Bad is hip. Mean and insulting, will do just fine. So if you really have to give a compliment, *dear starry, pls, make it an insult. Thank you very much.

As *eccentric once said not so long ago, if Satan was hip & cool, she truly believes she will join Satan. Suckers for image that we are. *arched brows* So hip is good. Mean is great. Nice is not. *wink*

So dear frens, let is be hereby announced, sheercrazyme is not a candidate for sobbing, niceness and all the outburst of sentimentally mushy stuff. At best or at worse, depending on how one looks at it, she is only guilty of the occasional sentimental whimsy.

Anyway, dear *starry, only the rare few can whine & be tolerated by yours truly, so don’t push your luck. *arched brows*

But shopping, eating & drinking should be, must be & will be tolerated at all times. *nod sagaciously*

Won’t you agree?

A Ride on the Train

We Two are One

We two are one
A simple look
Your shoulder moves
For me to lean

We two are one
A simple comment
Our eyes smile
Over the heads of others

We two are one
Beyond words
We communicate
Instinctively

We two are one
We belong
My head at your shoulders
Your glance on me

Admit it
Won't you,
That we are.

Kel. 11 October 2004.

I was riding on the train (having sadly reached the stage of life where I have to go to work) and I observed the way people behaves (yes, I was looking..hopefully unnoticed by anyone...)

First I saw this couple, the male was sleeping while his gf/wife (both of them were wearing rings!) was reading. Then she had enough of reading, she shift a bit, the guy woke up and they exchange one glance and immediately, he lean his shoulders over and the girl just put her head down and they both slept. The silent look that spoke volumes about their closeness and their relationship struck me and a poem popped into my head. I like the sentiments in such a simple look/action. I'm envious.

Aren't you?

*******************************

A Faint Stirring

A faint stirring
A whisper of memories
As I watched a mother plaiting
Her daughter’s hair
And remembered how you
Once did so for me

A faint impression
A vague collection of memories
As I watched a mother teaching
Her daughter the alphabets
And remembered how you
Once taught me too

Perhaps it’s a sign of age
A mark of maturity
More and more
I remember
Memories of childhood
Of you by my side
In my growing years

Did I remember to thank you
For being by my side
Did I remember to treasure
All the times we spent
Did I remember to be grateful
For the independence you instill

Did I remember to be appreciative
For your impartiality and liberalness
Did I remember to say thank you
For never forcing me to do anything

Did I remember
Most of all,
To thank you
For loving me

Perhaps I don’t say it often
If I ever said so at all
But I love you
I really do

Thank you
It is a privilege
My privilege
To be your daughter.

Kel. 12 Oct 2004

Today, on the train again, (yes yes, yours truly has to go to work. Dun rub it in pls. *grin*) I saw this mother and daughter (abt 3 yrs old). Their mannerism and gestures are so simple yet so poignant, at least to me. Yours truly suddenly felt as if I went back in time, or at least memories of my mum flashed across my brain. And I wondered how long it has since I stop and remembered my childhood, remembered my mother - the simple "take-for-granted" things she did for me. (ps: Yours truly was really dumb, it took 3 days for my mom to teach my bro his alphabets and 3 months to teach me mine. *apologetic look to mom* What to do? Yours truly is just stupid. I freely admit it. *stick tongue out*)

Perhaps yours truly is getting senile in old age or overly sentimental (gasp!) but how often has you stop to think and be grateful to your parents?

I have friends that are so appreciative of their bfs yet remain so unappreciative of their parents. This puzzles me. As great a bf can be, how can he so far surpass our parents, to whom we owe everything? Yes, I know there are bad parents, tragic childhood, etc, but in general probability, parents love their children. I think the odds of having unfilial unloving children is so much greater than unloving parents. Don't you think so? So what I really want to say is, stop for a moment, and reflect. Think of your parents. Think of your behaviour. Then go repent to the wall and hopefully, if you're human enough, be nicer to your parents.

At least, try to.

Yours truly can't say righteously that I am always filial and appreciative of my parents, but at least, I always try. And sometimes, the effort and the intention is all that really counts.

I know your parents can feel it. I know mine does. And in the end, that's what matters.

To be love and to love in return.

In ways that are beyond words.

Beyond romantic love.

Rare people, Provocation & The One

Simple Things

Many wondrous things
Begin simply

A seed grows into a tree
A bud grows into a flower
A caterpillar grows into a butterfly

A sperm grows into a heartbeat
A womb grows into child
A child grows into an adult

A look grows into a linger
A smile grows into happiness
A name grows into love

It all begins simply.
Little things
Little simple things

You smiled at me.
I looked at you.
And so simply
Love began

It really just begins
With a smile
With a heartbeat
With you.

Kel. 10 April 2004.

Feel as if I should write something...hmm...I had quite a hectic few days...Too many things to write about but so satisfied and happy, feel like writing nothing. Shrug.

Let's see...first of all, I met an interesting girl *D and she...well, she's hip. *grin* Quite interesting life experiences and I liked her a lot. Quite worldly. Such a pity she's not a guy? *deadpan* Kidding. But I really found her quite interesting. Together with her, I met another gal *T who's a lawyer. They made my Friday so much more than merely passable, they made it fun. For that, thank you. Yours truly is always glad to meet interesting people. Such people are so rare in the usual humdrum of life. Or is it merely me? I think...

Not.

As for today, I went for a pinic with *eccentric, *private, *snappish, *witchy & *peace. I had such fun despite the terrible sunburn. Really, it's so fun to go out with close friends and talk about really nothing at all. *grin* Ok. I know some might say it's a waste of time, but hey, we did cover a magnitude of subjects from careers, gay men/hangouts, boyfriends, ideal other half (we're female, of cos men are part of the conversations. *stick tongue out*), our school days, clothes/dress sense, our lives lately, value of friendship, etc, etc. Most importantly such outings remind us of the importance of having good friendship. Which also remind me of one of the topic covered.

The nature of friendship, especially among women.

While it is human nature to compare and if a pal is doing so much better while one is in the dumps, it's acceptable to feel envy but it is not an excuse to therefore be bitchy at your frens or to be angry that they are doing well. I mean, it might be human nature to feel some elements of envy but for goodness' sakes, if you can't even make the effort to control your envy, how can you call yourself friends? This is said in connection to the fact that some gals, while being close friends, can be amazingly bitchy. *roll eyes*.If you can't feel disinterested joy as a philosopher once said, then at least control your competitiveness & jealousy. This writer really doesn't understand how some women can be friends while being so catty with each other, comparing their boyfriends (*roll eyes*) and their careers, etc, being bitchy when one of them do so much better than the others. *arched brows* Why can't one just feel happiness for their friends' joy and happiness? I do. And I assure you, my whole clique does too. You can too. I'm sure? No?

Anyway, that aside, *peace made interesting "predictions" about the likely characters of potential bf of yours truly, *snappish & *eccentric. I'm impressed. She said *eccentric needs a steady guy while *snappish needs a sensitive guy & yours truly, a witty one. I know this doesn’t sound like much but her words are too precise & lengthy to recount. In fact, I don't even wanna attempt to recreate the moment, but just you know, it's perfect. I'm impressed and yours truly is rarely so. pat on *peace's back. Way to go. *cheers*

Ok...then *eccentric suggested some scandalous stuff we can do for our bfs if and when we all found the ONE. But seriously, putting black fur with rose petals and love letter in car...hmm...planning seduction...hmm...I wonder if yours truly will ever do such sentimentally provocative actions, but rest assured, dear friends, if *eccentric ever does, it will be great fun...alto I wonder if poor bf will enjoy the embarrassment of receiving a g-string tied to a bouquet of roses delivered to office? I think not. But then,you never know. Perhaps he would?

Would you?

I think...I might...

After all, if we only live once, perhaps we all deserve to do a shockingly provocative gesture or have it done to us?

Or perhaps, we all deserve more than one such gesture?

At least, I think we do.

Don’t you?

Heartbreak, Effortless bitterness....or not

Jerk

You pestered and pestered
Persisted and persisted
Insisted and insisted
Till my defenses crumbled
Till my walls are breached

Then you say you mean nothing
Then you say it's all a joke
Then you say it's just fun
Then you say it's over

Leaving only
Me.

You jerk.

Kel. 10 August 2004.

What's the best way to get over heartbreak? Eat? Shop till you drop? Stay at home and mope? Or just cry it all out or perhaps, laugh? Laugh till you have no mirth left, laugh till you are empty, laugh till you forget? Then once it's all out of your system, you fill the emptiness with what you have left to be thankful for? The once happy memories? Your ever supportive friends? Your family? Your books? Your beloved soft toys? The trees and the birds? The fact that you're healthy and alive?

I really have no idea. Perhaps some people prefer to cry or curse their ex-s? I really don't care which method is used. So long as it's effective. So long as after all the drama, all the self-pity (very justified, of course), all the heartache, you pick yourself up and move on. Speaking without experience, I suppose I can't give good suggestions but it seems to me, remembering his/her badness causes bitterness while remembering the once happy memories bring forgiveness and with it, letting go? I recently read this quote "love turns with little effort to indifference. Only hatred alone is immortal". I disagree. I agree that most people remember bad memories, emotions and experiences more than they do the happy ones simply because negative emotions appear to make a stronger impression. But like everything else, I believe it is a choice. Choose to remember the happy ones; choose to forget the bad ones. Choose to forgive rather than to hate. I know, easier said than done. But hey, whoever said living was easier? Whoever said happiness is easy? And between effortless bitterness and putting effort into being happy, isn't it wiser to choose the latter? And yours truly would like she is wise. (No giggling, please)

Ok sentiments aside, back to cold hearted hard headed bitch talk. Please for evilness' sake, keep your finances clear and clean. In other words, no matter how in love you are, don't don't combine finances, don't pay for your ex's mobile lines, bills, etc. I know I know, what's money between a couple? But really, imagine if you had to break up, it's terrible enough to get over the heartache without worrying about whether the stupid jerk would pay his/her bills or would you have to pay it for him/her. What a tragedy. You can't even enjoy your heartbreak in peace without fretting about mundane monetary matters. Although I doubt such advice would be taken by most people, because once in a relationship, in love, most people just seems to want to combine finances. Please don't get me wrong, I don't mean you should be miserly and never ever give your other half a present or pay for his/her dinner, etc. I just mean its much easier all way round if finances are kept tidy. I mean even between husbands and wives, finances are likely to be a source of conflict, let alone in a mere relationship?

But probably I'm just being my suspicious and overly rationalistic self. *shrug* What to do? I'm just made this way. Thank you whoever up there that is responsible. *clasp my hands in sincere gratitude* But really, between bread and love, why must we muddy up the lines? Why must we choose between bread and love, when we can with effort, have both? Really, some people are just so strange. Or is it just me again? *dryly*

Finally, although I support the method of laughing, forgiving and moving on, that is solely for the person with the heartbreak. For said person's friends, please, feel free to curse and swear at the jerk ex. Please support your friends undergoing such pain, even at extent of losing all impartiality (after all, that's what friends are for?) and forgetting that in a breakup, blame is on more than one party. Although sometimes, the blame is completely utterly one-sided. Yes, I'm biased. So sue me. *arched brows*

It is now official. Dear *bouncy is free and available once again. Good riddance. Henceforth, in this blog, MR HIM IS KNOW AS THE JERK.

Our Generation's Obsession

A Woman's Shortcomings

Unless you can love, as the angels may, With the breadth of heaven betwixt you; Unless you can dream that his faith is fast, Through behoving and unbehoving; Unless you can die when the dream is past - Oh, never call it loving!

~Elizabeth Browning

Love - the obsession of our generation, the overvalued and yet often demeaned emotion of our times. What is the nature of love? Truly, yours truly would not even dare suggest an answer because who in the world can really know what is love. No one. Love is meant to be felt, to be given, to be received but not to be understood. Yours truly, being ridiculously never-been-attached and never-been-attracted-before, has no way of knowing whether love is indeed as the great poets has claimed, but at least I sincerely believe from observation and reflection, that love is irrational, unable to be grasped or defined.

Why is romantic love so much valued over other types of love? I've read somewhat that romantic love is the emotion that can drive one to great depths of despair and yet at the same time, to great heights of bliss and such extreme swing of depths is missing in other loves. In other words, people of our generation would die for romantic love but rare is the one who will die for family and friends. Perhaps that is why Romeo & Juliet is one of the most remembered plays of our times? Perhaps that is why Titanic had such a ridiculous following? Tragic. I mean, if the run-of-the-mill love that I see in the average couples you find around you (my close friends excluded, of cos, for fear of being *murdered by them *grin*), then I think I would rather give love a miss and settle for steadfast kinship or comforting friendship. I mean, most couples I met never have that depth of emotion that romantic love has been exaggerated to contain. Perhaps, if one seriously reflected on it, it's merely companionship and lust rather than love? Perhaps it's just comfortable to have someone rather than being alone? Perhaps what is labeled as love today is merely a facade to hide loneliness? I have no idea since I'm uniquely unqualified to judge love. But yours truly just wanted to point out that I have not seen or felt from any couple a love that is all encompassing, all accepting and in its acceptance, made an individual a better person, a stronger person.

For the sake of discussion, let's assume love can be dissected into bits. What constitutes the bits? I mean, I suppose companionship and lust are part of the ingredients that make up love. But beyond them, what is the X-factor that makes one call an emotion love and not something else. Love, such a simple word but such complicated meaning. Love, such a frightening word. I mean, if love cannot be understood, if love is indeed a certain blindness, a certain, I-can't-help-myself, a "head over heads, can't sleep, can't eat" type of feeling, perhaps we or at least, I would rather dwell on LUST or SEX instead. I mean such simple words, such simple meanings. No complications, no fuss, no mess. But perhaps, no happiness or no bliss? I dun know.

Perhaps someday, someone can convince me that love is noble, that love is indeed as the great poets say, a leap of faith, a beyond comprehension impulse, a beyond this world bliss. That love is not merely lust or fear of loneliness but a desire, a yearning, a soulmate that completes one. But until then, let's not call superficial emotions love. But until then, let's just agree that the world is driven more by mere lust and egoism in the need to dress SEX up. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against lust, passion or sex. They sound fun and exciting and so much more manageable. I just have a problem with people who dress up their needs and sex drive in wrappings of love.

I have seen selfish lonely people mutually torturing each other in ties they call love but which seems to me, merely chains of self-centeredness and a need to satisfy lust. Come on, what is wrong with mere lust? Nothing. So why dress it up in order to hide one's natural inclination? Why the need to abuse and torture each other in the name of love?

So until someone or some couple let me feel that what they have is "the silver link, the silken tie", the love as angels may, let's not call it love.

At least for today. At least for this moment.

Let me believe that there is more to love than what I see around me.

I want to believe.

Don't you?