Ramblings

Man is only a reed, the weakest in nature; but he is a thinking reed. There is no need for the whole universe to take up arms to crush him; a vapor, a drop of water is enough to kill him. But even if the universe were to crush him, man would still be nobler than his slayer, because he knows that he is dying and the advantage the universe has over him. The universe knows nothing of this.
~ Blaise Pascal

Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance.
~ Jean-Paul Satre

***

Yours truly is in a queer frame of mind. Too much going on for the past week and somehow, I seem to be missing some "me" time. Ironic, really, for a person who has yet to start work.

*Peace is going through a bad patch, or rather, a worser patch. Her father has recently passed away. Yours truly is truly sorry for the death of her father, although at least he went in peace and is no longer suffering. Amazing, how someone can be here today and gone the next. *grimace* But I suppose, death comes to everyone and life is really fleeting and transient in nature.

Unfortunately, the timing of his death couldn't have been worse, not that there is a good time for a death, but surely, as *peace's circumstances show, there is such a thing as a really bad time, or some would say, bad karma. *solemnly* In any case, yours truly is sure *peace will pull through. Her group of supportive friends and her inner core strength will definitely help. As *Wallflower says, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

:::

Met up with *Wallflower and *J today. Haven't seen *J in ages, years really. Anyway, had a comfortable lunch with them. Talked abt nothing in particular, but interestingly, we had a topic that is recurrent of a conversation yours truly had with *doormat on supporting one's parents. I am glad to report all of us feel that it is only right for us to support our parents, correct myself, we don't even have to discuss it, the underlying premises of our conversation is based on that fact. Anyway, seems like both *J's and *doormat's parents are planning to retire. So pretty heavy burden for both of them, especially since they are still looking for a job.

Guess it is more of a reality check, yours truly must also start to plan or at least put aside some funds for my parents, not that they would expect me to support them. Heck, they will probably be very amused at my audacity to even imagine that I can support them. But as I told *doormat, any amount that one can provide to one's parents will be appreciated even if it is insubstantial or insufficient to support them, provided that one's parents are self-sufficient and financially independent.

Another recurrent topic was the big Q "what do you wanna do with your life". *Wallflower was bemoaning the fact that she is clueless about what she wants to do. Frankly, there is nothing at all wrong with temping or part-timing your whole life, so long as its what you want. Of course, there is a trade-off, a part time job doesn't pay that well and has no benefits. But hey, you get the spare time to do what you want. It's a matter of weighing what you really want or value in life, I suppose, unless you have dependents. If you have to support your parents, let's be sensible here, you can't afford to work at something that you really love but pays you peanuts. So its down to weighing one's priorities and responsibilities in life.

Such is life, I suppose.

According to *J, it's either get yourself a career or find a rich hubby and be a tai-tai. No prize for guessing which is yours truly's preferred choice. *arched my brows*

:::

On other news, went to INSEAD's MBA talk with *eccentric today. Am glad to report that the school gave me a fairly good vibe. Will seriously consider applying for it in say, 5 years time. The cost of the MBA is horrifying. There is no way yours truly can afford the MBA without taking a loan or getting a scholarship. But at the very least, I should save up enough funds for my living expenses.

Money, money, money. *grimace*

But at least it looks like a good school to go, assuming I can get in, of cos. *grin*

Ok. It's a few hours to the TREASURE HUNT. Bad timing for *Peace, but we are still going ahead. After pre-planning for almost a month, there is no way yours truly will change the date. *ruefully*

Now I just have to decide what BLACK attire I shld wear.

Decisions, decisions, decisions. *deadpan*

Evil me

How Dare You

How Dare You

You say
Things should be orderly
Like the way roads
Should be straight

You say
People should be impartial
Like the center of
The world

You say
The world should be dependable
Like the unyielding
North Pole

You say
You are moderate
In the way you behave
Towards everyone

You say
One can be perfectly neutral
In the way you believe
You are

But dear,
Haven't you heard
That no one is perfect?

But dear,
Haven't you heard
That no one is truly neutral?

Our hearts are never
In perfect symmetry
In perfect balance

Towards everyone
And everything

My dear,
The roads can perhaps
Be straight

But not so the heart

Not so
the heart that is a map
Of twists and turns

Not so
the human whose heart
cannot help
but judge

Not so
My heart
That judges
In your favor

How dare you
Claim to be
Impartial
And neutral

How dare you
Forget that
You aren't

Not in regards
To me

You aren't

You won't
Dare.

Kel. 20 September 2006

Disclaimer: Yours truly must apologise to *Wallflower if any sentences above happen to be similar to any of her scribblings. Suddenly in the mood to scribble something on the myth of being able to be neutral and impartial. I seem to recall that I have read something of *Wallflower that has something on the heart being full of twists and turns but can't recall exactly what it was. So if I happen to use the exact phrasing (gasp! I hope not but drat, you never know with my brain being able to remember stuff I read ages before), let me know and I'll modify my scribblings above.

It takes two

"It takes two to tango"

~

Today, yours truly received (or was one of the receipent of) a *mushy and *forlorn email from *witchy asking for a show of friendship by sms-ing her "mushy msg and lovey words promising nevery dying devotion and adoration" for her birthday. *grimace*

Oh please. *roll my eyes* Can anyone remotely imagine yours truly sending such a message? If yes, you have one great imagination. *dryly*

Fortunately, most of my very few friends are not that delusional. So too bad to *witchy, but NO, sorry, you won't be getting beyond a simple sms wishing you happy birthday. *shrug*

(Fyi, yours truly's clique has 3 birthday gals in September and we have an exciting Treasure Hunt planned)

***

Anyway, yours truly will be starting work in October, after 2 months and 2 weeks of slacking. To be honest, I am actually looking forward to starting work. *whispers*

Pause for gasp of surprise

Yes, how dare I insult the eternal fraternity of slack-dom by admitting that I actually like working. I suppose yours truly have never understood the supposed joys of an idle life. After about 2 months, I am getting or in fact, am bored. Alas. I have to concede that yours truly is unequipped to be a natural slacker and bum. Sorry to brotherhood/sisterhood of slackers and bums. I am probably destined to be a workaholic.

While it is very beneficial to take a break, but yours truly needs to have something to focus on and to do. That plus a career is important to me. So maybe it is just as well that I start soon. *ruefully*

In other news, yours truly is thinking about taking ballroom dancing. Obviously, yours truly would need to find a partner. *sigh*

*Candid says that if she is staying put in little-old-boring-Singapore, she would join me. More importantly, she said she would scout around for a partner. I was semi-thinking about just signing up and partnering any odd guy in the class, but *candid says, no way. She doesn't wanna be part up with some *strange guy. *grin*

*Starry said the same. She says it's better to have a permanent partner, just so that one have someone to practise with if so inclined.

Fine. Point taken. Yours truly will attempt to find a partner or at least ask around. *sigh*

I didn't realise that more preparation beyond finding the dance school, scheduling, getting shoes and paying school fees are required to learn waltz and tango. *deadpan*

Oh well. Yours truly has always been quite taken with the waltz and the tango. Such seductive and beautiful dances. So perhaps the search for a dance partner would be worth it? *grin*

Everyone deserves to learn ballroom dancing at least once in their lifetime if so inclined, won't you agree?

Your evilness

My meditation

Reflection

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part

Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time

When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

~ Artiste: Christina Aguilera

:::

If you were stuck in a dark room where you cannot move and the room gets hotter and hotter for 30 mins. What would you do? Would you panic? Freak out? Get claustrophobic? Or focus your attention on something else?

This morning in the wee hours of my meditation (not that I meditate at any other hour but wee hours ) before yours truly slip into the plane of spiritual and mental clarity, yours truly's brain was strangely persistent on the above scenario. Strangely enough or not, if you know me I suppose, is that yours truly's immediate response is that if I can read and focus on reading, I can live with the 30 mins of heat and no movement. Unfortunately, if you cannot move, you obviously cannot be reading. So my answer is, that yours truly would focus on recalling lyrics to songs, not recite poetry (I probably can't remember that many anyway) or make up stories, yours truly would focus or concentrate on words. I suppose this tells me that (a) words are important to me and (b) that I can deal with pain, fear and what not, so long as I can divert my attention or focus on something else. How typical. *deadpan*

Anyway, back to my meditation - disclaimer: yours truly doesn't meditate regularly and to be honest, I have no training in any school of meditation whatsoever and when I say meditation, I use the term loosely to describe the inner mental reach towards a calmness in an absence of emotions, a certain sense of clarity and serenity I suppose. In any case, this is just something that I do sometimes. As usual, yours truly was going through my life, you know, the usual questions of who, what and how I wanna go on. Then, I conclude or more like realise, that I like who I have become and who I am. Obviously, yours truly has always been comfortable in her own skin, but this time, the results of my meditation is surprisingly 'wholesome', for lack of a better world. I mean, of course, I like myself and who I am, but I really like myself more or rather, the person I am growing to be.

This is sounding like an eulogy to myself, and I assure you, this was not yours truly's intention, not that I dun have the right to praise or flatter myself in my own blog any time and how ever much I want, but that this reflection is something more.

In the wee hours of this morning, yours truly took time to really reflect and look at myself and I realised that the person I am is different from the person I was. Of course, this is not physical, yours truly looks mostly the same (although I suppose I should give myself some credit, and say that perhaps with just a more developed sense of style) but inner and deeper.

I see myself now as less green. I won't flatter myself by saying that I have developed a quiet confidence or poise but that the person I am today, is just a tad more self-assured, just a tad more comfortable in my own skin and perhaps, just a tad more poised. I think I have grown up. Surpise surprise surprise.

I am or I think I am less loud and feel less need to be so. Not that I was ever deliberately loud or gregarious, just that I was more so previously than now. This is somewhat difficult to put into words, but really, essentially, I think I am just a tad more sure of who I am now and perhaps, this assurance translates to a sense of well-being and that is reflected in a quieter presentation of myself? *shrug* Yes, yours truly admits that I am probably merely off green but there is a difference and I realise, I never really took time out to see the person I have grown up to be and will hopefully continue to grow to become.

I mean if you asked me before today, yours truly would have said I was just more adult in the working sense, so my abilities were merely transferred from the school form to the working form. But this is not so, at least, I think not.

Within myself, I have grown. I don't know how this translates outwardly, but yours truly has little by little changed or matured over the years culminating in who I am today, and I don't know how or why, but thankfully, I do like the person I am today. *ruefully*

All these doesn't imply that yours truly is perfectly happy, after all, how many or can anyone claim to be so? I seriously doubt it. But my point is, and I do have a point here(!), is that these little imperfections in life, doesn't affect how I am.

I like myself. It's as simple as that.

I think if you like, and I mean truly like yourself, you will simply be happier. How can you not be?

I just find it is sad that so many people go through their lives being unhappy with themselves. They are not pretty enough or rich enough or worse, not as pretty or smart or rich as "So and So". Yes, I would like to be slimmer or prettier, as do most women, but how I look is not the defining essence of me and certainly I don't see the need to judge myself in comparison to others. After all, they are who they are, and I am who I am. Yes, comparison might be inevitable and everything is in relative terms. But my sense of self-worth is not based in comparison to someone else. I just like myself, not because I am better than someone else but because I am me.

I mean, life is really short and it seems such a waste to go through it not liking oneself. After all, you have to live with yourself your whole life, why make yourself miserable by not liking who you are or who you can be or who you simply am?

Why not be happy?

It is as simple as that.

Like yourself.

I do.

Sheer

I'm feeling jerky

Yours truly is feeling like a jerk.

It happened thus:

I have accepted the job offer from NTUC to do corporate development. Immediately, the next task is to turn down MHA, which I assure you, yours truly did not handle it well. I should have damn well think about if not rehearse what I should say.

Instead, I had to just call and blurt out that I have accepted another job offer. Again, horrifying the MHA HR lady, who is very nice and who exclaimed that MHA is at the last stage of seeking approval. OMG. That means she has processed all the paperwork and she was puzzled that I wasn't aware that it was a formal offer and the department has already selected me. Sucks.

So what if they did skip the formal offer stage and assumed that I would take the job, nonetheless, it is utmostly wretched of me to turn down now at the last stage. Yes, yours truly is drowning in self-imposed guilt.

I had, of course, apologised most abjectly for the trouble I put MHA through. But still, I am feeling bad.

To top off the day, after yours truly accepted NTUC, turned down MHA, the Singapore Administrative Service, which is a MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATE PROGRAM, which on a whim, I sent my resume about a month ago, called and shortlisted yours truly for a series of tests.

It is just about the premier management associate program in town.

This could turn out bloody.

It is already messy.

grimace.

Sheer feeling shitty

Fishbowl

Look out
And around
We live in a fishbowl

The world is out there
But trapped
We are
In a tiny fishbowl

Isn't it amazing
How utterly how unsuited
You and I
Are
In the fishbowl

Yet in the fishbowl
In the water
We dwell
In the water
We met

Isn't it amazing
How queer
That we
So unsuited
Chance to meet
In the fishbowl

Trapped
Yet we met
So in the trap

Should there be
Gratitude for the
The knowing
The ties

Or hatred
Or disdain

For the fishbowl
For the smallness
For the pettiness
Surrounding
Us

Perhaps
Both

Perhaps
None

Perhaps
Absolute neutrality

The fishbowl
Traps no longer

Let us leave the
Fishbowl

Let us
Thank the meeting

But

Let us
Hate the location

Perhaps.

Kel. 10 September 2006.

Quotations

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination.
It is our light more than our darkness which scares us.
We ask ourselves - who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous.
But honestly, who are you to not be so?

[...]
It is not in some of us,
It is in all of us.
While we allow our light to shine,
We unconsciously give permission for others to do the same.
When we liberate ourselves from our fears,
Simply our presence may liberate others.

~ From Akeelah & the Bee (Quotation by Marianne Williamson)

.:::.

On all hilltops

There is peace,

In all treetops

You will hear

Hardly a breath

Birds in the woods are silent.

Just wait, soon

You too will rest.

~ From Immortality by Milan Kundera (poem by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

心计

Please ignore this blog.

This is really just for yours truly to note down 3 lines of a song that I like. If its on my blog, yours truly doesn't have to scribble it down somewhere. *ruefully*

Anyway, I found a new song with lyrics that I like, namely Xin Ji sung by Li Ke Qin, but very specifically, I like the last 3 line:



A very rough (and bad!) translation (some stuff are just not meant to be translated) would be:

"I try all the tricks, all my strategies and deviousness but I am unable to hide because I have discovered that only you
I cannot bear to give up and I am unable to lose
At the moment when I have won the entire universe, I find myself only thinking of you"

I like.

:::

As an aside, yours truly have just seen Akeelah & the Bee. My god, the words that they are spelling in the movie. I think I barely know what each one means, let's not even think about spelling them.

Anyway, I enjoyed the movie but somehow, while I did like it, it was flat in some ways. It's hard to hard to describe, but it was more of a feel that something is missing. Perhaps, it could be because the film was not as touching or inspiring as I expected and the pace is not tight enough. I dunno. *shrug*

Nonetheless, it is still a film worth watching, at least, I think so.

Sheer