Women, Sentimental Fools, they be.

Accepting

I can accept
If you're ugly
Cos once you speak I forget to notice
I can accept
If you are fussy
So long as you’re interesting
I can accept
If you're short
So long as you don't feel short

I can accept
If you don't spend much time with me
So long as I know you think of me
I can accept
Your boorish friends
Cos they are important to you
I can accept
Your family and your past
Cos they are part of who you are

I can accept many things
Many difficult things
But I can't accept
If you two timed me
But I can't accept
If you don't keep promises

But most of all
But I can't accept
If you don't love me
Cos why then should I

Love you?

Kel. 28 September 2004.

I was talking to *bouncy who's on the verge of a breakup (sigh. let's keep fingers crossed for her but hard hearted bitch tat i am, can't help thinking it might be better if they broke up. I still tink one should be decisive abt such things and dun drag/put off painful decisions. After all, life is already difficult enough without unduly prolonging pain. but tat's me. *shrug*). Anyway, we were discussing women and love, and I was thinking that women are such soft-hearted creatures, present company or rather, me excluded of cos. I mean, it's obvious to me from the start that *bouncy was with Mr Him because typically, women are soft-hearted. Give them a guy that likes them a lot & puts in effort to be understanding and sensitive, they can't bring themselves to turn such guys down. If any guy is reading this, I'm not encouraging you to pretend to be nice and sensitive or guarantee tat doing so would win you your gal, but that generally, gals, at least most gals i know seem soft-hearted and unable to turn certain guys down. So here we have *bouncy with a good looking guy who spent much time and effort to win her. And she found herself falling for him. So they get together. If everything ended at this point, fine. Happy ending. Lived happily ever after. But no, life is never so simple. So after putting herself mind, body & soul into said guy & relationship, problems start to turn up.

If we look at the cons, of cos there are many reasons to break up but one pro overweighs all the cons, ie, the big CAPITAL L. Yes, love. Sigh. Women are such soft hearted sentimental fools. Thus, she is now in a quarry. sigh. Poor *bouncy. Perhaps its easy for me to say it so decisively but look at it this way, dear *bouncy says she knows she might be on the verge of breaking up because there are many things many cons she can put up with but what she can't accept is the fact that Mr Him does not keep promises. If he nv promised anything in the first place, *bouncy is not the type to demand but once promised, she is the type to demand someone to keep their word. As such, it shows that a woman can accept a lot of flaws in a guy but every woman has something that pushes her limits. For *bouncy, its not keeping promises. For me, it's committment, integrity and trust. I think I can accept a lot of flaws or bad habits, but really, there are some stuff that I just can't tolerate. I am not fussy abt romance, moonight and candles. I am certainly not fussy about looks and wealth. In other words, I am not fussy in a lot of aspects that I know some girls are, but there are some flaws that I know is not a big deal to most but I just can't accept. But that's not my main point in this blog.

Rather I wanna point that no matter how soft hearted you can be, how romantic the moment, how perfect he seems, never accept a guy for the dumb reason that you can't bear to turn him down. Accepting becomes merely the instrument to hurting both you 2 and worse, accepting might eventually turn to tolerating and then it becomes causing 2 parties misery. I think I'll rather be alone than be with a perfect guy that is imperfect for me. In the same way, I'll rather be happily an individual than miserably a couple. In other words, dear friends, live alone & be happy is better than have someone but in misery. Don't overestimate or overvalue romantic love. There are so many other equally if not more important things in life than romantic love. Even for a cold hearted bitch that I am, all my dear friends and beloved family are vital to me. So, even I can't esscape from the chains of worldly sentiments, even if I wanted to, which I don't. But perhaps, that is what makes a human distinct from a saint? The reluctance to put down the chains of worldly life?

Still, what is so great about sainthood when life has so much color and variety? At least I would gladly settle for life as me with my dear friends than sainthood without them.

So dear readers, be appreciative of everyone and everything around you. Pardon my preaching tone. Just in a sudden grateful sentimental mood. Don't even think to ask me why. Just stop and enjoy the moment. Enjoy life, enjoy living.

Carpe diem. *wink*

Life's a Comedy

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who
think.

-- Horace Walpole


Isn't it strange that human beings are never properly appreciative and always, overly angsty? Or is it just me? I mean when yours truly was young (ahem...not that I'm terribly old now, mind you but just older than I was before), I couldn't wait for school to end, or rather I couldn't wait for my future to arrive. My hopes, my dreams, my ambitions. But once out of varsity, there are moments of strange sentimentality. Not that I wish myself back in varsity (trust me, the Spore varsity is not an exciting happening place) but there is a certain forlornness at having left varsity that surprises yours truly. After all, being the cold person I am, whoever would have thought I had some tiny itsy bitsy of sentimental left in me. *grin*

Anyway, this brings me to my point that human beings while always being forward looking aka existentialism, tend to be overly angsty. We (or rather me) look forward to the future but always, end up missing today or more to the point, yesterday. Not so long ago, I was looking forward to leaving school and now here I am, barely 4 months out of varsity and missing school. Although not having lotsa time to slack and go shopping at odd hours of the weekday accounts for part of the forlornness but the fact remains, if even yours truly feels sentimental about leaving a boring varsity, how much more would more emotional individuals feel. At this point, I feel compelled to apologize to *witchy for not being understanding enough about her sentimentality and mushiness at leaving varsity, although how could anyone expect a bitch like yours truly to empathize with the softer emotions, I have no idea.

Perhaps Horace is right and people who feel are more likely to see the world as a tragedy? People who feel miss yesterdays more and perhaps in the midst of missing yesterday, they lose out on todays? I mean I occasionally miss yesterday but generally, I'm more of the look forward to tomorrow type, and have the bad or good habit, depending on how you wanna look at it, of thinking and reflecting too much. Perhaps that's why life appear to be a comedy of coincidences & funny happenings to me? But if you ask me, I would rather and do indeed, see the world as a comedy. We may very well all be actors on a stage with the Gods watching us, like a chess piece being manoeuvered but I believe or would like to believe that choice are in our hands. We can live our lives worrying and fretting or we can laugh and act in face of uncertainty. I needless to say, subscribe to the latter. I want to believe that cry or laugh, we must live on bravely, then why shouldn't we all laugh?

In other words, dear readers, I'm telling you that one should always look forward and even if there are moments of angst (how can there not be when the future is a great UNKNOWN?), we must always move forward. I think it takes courage to move forward knowing that the future is unknown than people who merely feel but not reflect since they only move forward blindly. Pardon my biases but really, I do so more admire people who reflect, more so if they can move forward with good grace and humor. Perhaps, if I can find more people like that, I would have more friends?

I think, probably not.

Moratorium

Breathing Space

A moratorium
A breathing space
To think
To reflect
To forget

Moratorium
Breathing space
Slowing
Pausing
Resting

Breathing space
Moratorium
From work
From life
From reality

Breathing space
Moratorium
I want
I desire
I need

Breathing space
For me
To dream
To wish
To hope

A breathing space
For us
A moratorium
For me

I think I need
A breathing space
A moratorium
From you.

Kel. 27 September 2004.

Tarot Emperor & Me

I am The Emperor

"The Emperor represents structure, order and regulation - forces to balance the free-flowing, lavish abundance of the Empress. He advocates a four-square world where trains are on time, games are played by rules, and commanding officers are respected. In chaotic situations, the Emperor can indicate the need for organization. Loose ends should be tied up, and wayward elements, harnessed. In situations that are already over-controlled, he suggests the confining effect of those constraints."
For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com

The mystic tarot...I always had a fascination for tarot, of cos, it was never an obsession, me being too rationalist & sensible. Anyway, since I'm tired & bored, it's my frivolous quiz time to follow in *starry's lead. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself. *grin*

Anyway, for some reasons, I can't get the stupid "submit date of birth & voila!, you'll know what tarot card you are" to work, (probably some karmic cycle going against me, determined to disallow computer illiterate me from succeeding despite many others have) so here's the link to find out your card. IT'S MEET YOUR TAROT SOUL TIME. *wink* http://www.obeythefist.com/tarot/index.php?month=08&day=13&year=1981&submit=submit

As an additional bored action, I did the quiz on behalf of my clique, most of whom I have yet to introduce to this blog, reason being, haven't written that many posts & was in a fit of disgusting whininng (forgive me!).

In my dictionary, clique = +close friends -pressure +fun +gossip -stress +happiness +sharing +slumber parties +indulgence +kinky fun. *hugz*

Before listing their results, perhaps some introduction of my clique is in order. We have the mean & high-flyer wannabe, ie, yours truly here, the idealistic creative *eccentric, the contradictory bimbo with brains aka *confused (as an aside, given my pals' ridiculously fabalous academic qualifications, trust me, they are bimbos with the license to be), the bubbly high but probably crazy sentimental *witchy, the authoritative intensely *private with sharp wits (ouch!), the compassionate *peace with mood swings, the *snappish (stop throwing evil looks at me!) but comfy listener, the mild gentle but occasionally mushy *romantic, the literary nature loving but occasional *doormat (poor doormat is whining to herself in a corner) and the unassuming sociable *sweety. Aren't we a group of assorted weirdos? *arched brows*

So dear frens, consider yourself introduced. *grin*

*eccentric = The Hierophant

*confused = The Strength

*witchy = The Hierophant

*private = The Strength

*peace = The Chariot

*snappish = The Hermit

*romantic = The Strength

*doormat = The Wheel of Fortune

*sweety = The High Priestess

Ok. shall tell you more antics of my dear frens when I get the chance. Of cos, I have yet to formally introduce dear damsel & wallflower, which I shall do as and when mood/inspiration hits.

Adieu.

Imperfect Moments adrift Perfection

Imperfection

I like imperfection
Crooked tooth
Cleft chin
Unruly hair

I like imperfection
Stubborn temper
Boorish actions
Childish sulks

I like imperfection
Awful timing
Bad taste
No sense of romance

I like imperfection
At least
I like yours.

Kel. 20 Sept 2004


A nice simple one to jumpstart the possibilities of future scribblings...*grin*. Anyway, I was out with *starry and she was talking about how a stupid guy pointed out her imperfection at a most perfect romantic moment. Dumb guy. Funny moment. At least to me. Why is it that some of the worse or shall I say imperfect moment among a perfect time that gets remembered? Worse, why is it imperfections that most people get the most hung up over when really, it's imperfection that gets remembered? Ironic maybe, but won't you agree, that it is imperfection that makes the perfection more perfect? Won't you agree that one's imperfection makes an individual all the more perfect because I remember the tiny flaw among the wondrous whole? I mean who wants to live with a paragon or a saint? Besides, I'll rather hear a guy tell me "I love you because you're perfect for me" than "I love you because you're perfect". Or it is just me?

Besides, dear *starry, imperfect or not, if you are meant to be, you are meant to be. And if so, who the hell cares if you're imperfect, so long as you are imperfect together? And if you are not meant to be, your imperfection makes you unforgettable. If he can't see this, his loss. Your gain.

Remember that.

Invincible Me meets Mom

"Why is it we think we must handle everything alone? For men, I'm guessing it's the fear-of-vulnerabiliity thing. But what's up with us women? Just who are we trying to impress? We presumably have friends and/or family to lean on in times of need. So why is it so hard to do? Or is it just me?" -- Doona Kauffman

I'm feeling the dumps at the moment, although just half an hr ago, I was perfectly ok. Let's reverse here & go back to the ending of my day. I just had my law test, which was easier than I expected (sulk. I should have studied half less. Imagine all the other more interesting stuff I could have done in half an hr?). Anyway, I was feeling alright, in fact, just got a positive acceptance to attend a written test for a potential career change. I made the mistake of mentioning it to *M and whollah, there goes my ok mood. I just read that "chance makes our parents but choice makes our friends". Well, on normal days, I won't agree, but today, after *M, I would be more inclined to agree.

*M immediately started nagging about my lack of prospects aka low low pay at job, about how I should look for another job, completely ignoring the reason I took the job was for the fact it sponsored my studies and that 4 years down the road I can apply for my MBA. *sigh*. Then I made the ultimate mistake of mentioning that I found the current job a bit slow. HELLO. I meant work pace for goodness' sake, not the pay! But no, *M had to jump right in and say of cos I'm find the job slow, the pay is so low, I start so much lower than all my friends, etc ,etc. *roll my eyes*. MOTHERS. And my *M isn't that conservative or traditional, but boy, does she put a lot of credence on pay. *sigh*. I mentioned that pay isn't the most important consideration for me at the moment, and she completely stomped over me, did I say stomped? I meant ran bloodshod over me. At which point I decided to not explain & just listened. Anyway, she went on to completely ignored my planning ahead to do MBA (who cares so long as in short term I get high pay, according to her) and then she complains that my current job has too heavy workload, overworking staff, etc, etc, while contradicting herself by agreeing that the work pace is way too slow for me. *arched my brows*. Someone please wake me up. Somewhere, lines seem to have gotten crossed.

Anyway, so back to my original point, I'm feeling a bit down at the moment, but typically, despite having a large clique of close friends, I feel compelled to keep it to myself or rather, I'm only sharing with my friends once I'm over it and can laugh about it on hindsight, which is not now. Thus, decided to resort to what I thought I won't do, make my blog into a space for whining. *sigh* And I do so hate to whining & whiners. And in case you can't tell, I'm really quite invincible usually, not given to vulnerable moments or mood swings. In fact, I'm positively intimidating. And it's other people who confide in me. *sigh* What is it about mothers that can so effectively affect our moods? Or it is me?

Friends can be frightening

"Friends know you better than everyone else. Which can really be annoying. Especially when they point things out that you already know...and would sincerely like to pretend you didn't." - Doona Kauffman.

I think I always known the above but sometimes knowing doesn’t always equate understanding. Yesterday, I went out with a close friend *eccentric. Well, actually, it was meant to be a dinner with 3 other frens, but you know how things are, sometimes karma just go haywire and so the other 2 didn't turn up. Anyway, my point is (yes, I do have a point here) it's frightening how much your close friends know about you, worse, it's horrifying how much alike friends can be. Sometimes, alone, you know stuff, but if you dun voice it out, you can pretend it doesn't happen. But if you meet up with your frens, all the un-voiced gets voiced out. Then what you once knew unconsciously but pretend you didn't, becomes a conscious fact. Then it becomes hard to go back to pretending you didn't know. Am I actually making sense here? *very probably not. But nvm, who cares? No one is actually reading this, so let me continue on this topic. Take for instance, my job. I see certain symptoms, little stuff that really mean nothing but you know, or rather, I know if I consciously reflected and added up all the dots, the little symptoms reveals that I'm not exactly satisfied. Or more to the point, I want more. But I just wanted to pretend I didn't know. But who am I kidding here? I hate lying to myself, which I nv do, but not adding dots up are my defensive mechanism. But alas, once I met up with *eccentric, we discuss our lives, our jobs, and suddenly the dots get dotted. And what we both know unconsciously gets voiced out. Suddenly we are one sandwich short of a picnic, to borrow a phrase from *S. In other words, near the point of no return. Standing on a the edge of the cliff where you must make a move or risk falling. *sigh* Friends are great to have, but close friends are so frightening at times. *grimace*

Succumbing

It's 3.30am in the morning, my eyelids are dropping, the words are swimming yet I continue staring at the computer screen. Why the heck am I doing this? I have no ready answer. Perhaps I can blame boredom, blame the stupid online virus scan that is taking ages (why is it that there's always a trojan found whenever I do a scan? I'm starting to believe that there's a conspiracy going on ard here), or perhaps, blame the frens I have who blog and asks me repeatedly to blog too, especially when pple (by whom I mean pple who blog, or as of now, fellow bloggers) learn that I write as R&R. Anyway, so here I am. I've succumbed to THE BLOG. You're now formally introduced to sheercrazyme. Whether I'll keep up with this, we'll see (shrug) but chances are...I might just completely forget and deny that I ever succumb to blogging even for only 1/2hr in the wee hours of the day. Or perhaps, this will just become a place where I post some scribblings and occasionally put in a poem or two for a laugh. Or perhaps, a space that provides me with a convenient excuse to put off everything else that I should be doing but don't want to. Who knows? Who cares anyway. *shrug*

That reminds me, I was taking stock of my frens who blog and realise I have an oriental damsel waiting for her knight and a wallflower, wonder whether there's any connections going on here or am I thinking too much? Very probably since it's late and I'm tired. But I suppose this is my introduction to the sentimental angsty poems that might occasionally grace this space, which really are just a personal space of mine where some parts of myself I dun usually show, being the alpha bitch career woman wannabe that I am, this is my momentary lapse of madness. You've been warned.

So there.