My meditation

Reflection

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, is as if I play a part

Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time

When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

~ Artiste: Christina Aguilera

:::

If you were stuck in a dark room where you cannot move and the room gets hotter and hotter for 30 mins. What would you do? Would you panic? Freak out? Get claustrophobic? Or focus your attention on something else?

This morning in the wee hours of my meditation (not that I meditate at any other hour but wee hours ) before yours truly slip into the plane of spiritual and mental clarity, yours truly's brain was strangely persistent on the above scenario. Strangely enough or not, if you know me I suppose, is that yours truly's immediate response is that if I can read and focus on reading, I can live with the 30 mins of heat and no movement. Unfortunately, if you cannot move, you obviously cannot be reading. So my answer is, that yours truly would focus on recalling lyrics to songs, not recite poetry (I probably can't remember that many anyway) or make up stories, yours truly would focus or concentrate on words. I suppose this tells me that (a) words are important to me and (b) that I can deal with pain, fear and what not, so long as I can divert my attention or focus on something else. How typical. *deadpan*

Anyway, back to my meditation - disclaimer: yours truly doesn't meditate regularly and to be honest, I have no training in any school of meditation whatsoever and when I say meditation, I use the term loosely to describe the inner mental reach towards a calmness in an absence of emotions, a certain sense of clarity and serenity I suppose. In any case, this is just something that I do sometimes. As usual, yours truly was going through my life, you know, the usual questions of who, what and how I wanna go on. Then, I conclude or more like realise, that I like who I have become and who I am. Obviously, yours truly has always been comfortable in her own skin, but this time, the results of my meditation is surprisingly 'wholesome', for lack of a better world. I mean, of course, I like myself and who I am, but I really like myself more or rather, the person I am growing to be.

This is sounding like an eulogy to myself, and I assure you, this was not yours truly's intention, not that I dun have the right to praise or flatter myself in my own blog any time and how ever much I want, but that this reflection is something more.

In the wee hours of this morning, yours truly took time to really reflect and look at myself and I realised that the person I am is different from the person I was. Of course, this is not physical, yours truly looks mostly the same (although I suppose I should give myself some credit, and say that perhaps with just a more developed sense of style) but inner and deeper.

I see myself now as less green. I won't flatter myself by saying that I have developed a quiet confidence or poise but that the person I am today, is just a tad more self-assured, just a tad more comfortable in my own skin and perhaps, just a tad more poised. I think I have grown up. Surpise surprise surprise.

I am or I think I am less loud and feel less need to be so. Not that I was ever deliberately loud or gregarious, just that I was more so previously than now. This is somewhat difficult to put into words, but really, essentially, I think I am just a tad more sure of who I am now and perhaps, this assurance translates to a sense of well-being and that is reflected in a quieter presentation of myself? *shrug* Yes, yours truly admits that I am probably merely off green but there is a difference and I realise, I never really took time out to see the person I have grown up to be and will hopefully continue to grow to become.

I mean if you asked me before today, yours truly would have said I was just more adult in the working sense, so my abilities were merely transferred from the school form to the working form. But this is not so, at least, I think not.

Within myself, I have grown. I don't know how this translates outwardly, but yours truly has little by little changed or matured over the years culminating in who I am today, and I don't know how or why, but thankfully, I do like the person I am today. *ruefully*

All these doesn't imply that yours truly is perfectly happy, after all, how many or can anyone claim to be so? I seriously doubt it. But my point is, and I do have a point here(!), is that these little imperfections in life, doesn't affect how I am.

I like myself. It's as simple as that.

I think if you like, and I mean truly like yourself, you will simply be happier. How can you not be?

I just find it is sad that so many people go through their lives being unhappy with themselves. They are not pretty enough or rich enough or worse, not as pretty or smart or rich as "So and So". Yes, I would like to be slimmer or prettier, as do most women, but how I look is not the defining essence of me and certainly I don't see the need to judge myself in comparison to others. After all, they are who they are, and I am who I am. Yes, comparison might be inevitable and everything is in relative terms. But my sense of self-worth is not based in comparison to someone else. I just like myself, not because I am better than someone else but because I am me.

I mean, life is really short and it seems such a waste to go through it not liking oneself. After all, you have to live with yourself your whole life, why make yourself miserable by not liking who you are or who you can be or who you simply am?

Why not be happy?

It is as simple as that.

Like yourself.

I do.

Sheer